Shorts

Shorter, more frequent posts to reflect on what is happening in my life and the world around me.

12.2 | overthinking

I have had somewhat of an epiphany over the past day, realizing that much of the stress and anxiety of my daily life is produced internally which I proceed to live in, instead of focusing externally and thinking of myself holistically. This was provoked by a presentation from a sports psychologist from the US ski team. Sleeping is hard because instead of thinking “I should go to sleep” I instead think “I should shut my eyes, then I should breathe, etc.” which is simply overthinking the whole process… my body knows how to sleep, I don’t have to teach it how to do so each and every night. While sleep was not the context we discussed this in, it is still applicable. I continued to think about it today, recognizing that I go through most of life thinking about what individual movements I make, rather than focusing on the task I am completing and by doing so, everything I do becomes more draining — it all requires more energy than I should be allocating. Perhaps all this seems obvious, even trivial. But I reached a point where everything I did was overthought, over-processed, and frankly too front of mind. While at times this awareness of my own actions and my movements, when each and every thing I do is riddled with this concentration, fatigue sets in quickly. Certainly this epiphany will not solve all my problems but regardless a new way of thinking and mentally approaching life.

10.4 | nhym

I am doing a fall fellowship with New Hampshire Youth Movement and I have already learned so much. It is something that is really a new experience for me. I was involved with Sunrise at Dartmouth last year but this is a more all-encompassing political activism experience. The work we do is something I feel so good to be doing, even if I don’t always have the gratification of seeing immediate results. Regardless, I am constantly assured I am making a difference in some way and it will at some point come to fruition. I feel conflicted because while I know that the work we are doing is critical, listening to the President say he isn’t sure if he will accept the election results and other members of our government discount the value of the youth voice makes all this work feel like it could just go down the drain. However, I also know that even if Trump does do that, we have talked with many people and ultimately swayed their opinions to a more progressive and livable future for all of us.

8.2 | results don’t define me

My name next to a time on a piece of paper or the number correct circled at the top of a test don’t define me. They don’t make me a better or worse person or dictate my actions. They don’t change my personality or my beliefs and they certainly don’t change what other people think of me. So why do they change the way I see myself? Why do I allow numbers and data to overcome the fluid and ever-changing person I am? Maybe it’s that I can’t differentiate between what matters and what doesn’t. Or maybe it’s that I am too invested for my own good. Despite thinking I know that results don’t change who I am as a person, I know there will always be a little part of me that is a little too connected to them for my own good. I am slowly detaching that part of me from them and reattaching it to the parts of me which I can only improve upon and which aren’t dependent on the day: work ethic, dedication, belief in myself, and attitude. It is not that I think results are worthless. I certainly don’t. But they should never be the dictator of who I am, whether it be to myself or to others. I recognize their value, they just don’t deserve a seat at some tables.

7.15 | teaching kids (and myself)

I started working recently. It may not be the most convenient or popular time to take up a new job and spend time around new people but it has been fun. I am tutoring kids in math and have not only been able to teach them about all the fun things math has to offer but I have also been able to relearn and re-experience the joys of learning math. As a kid I don’t know if I appreciated it quite enough but I have found it very fulfilling to show younger kids why it is so important. The kids remind me why life doesn’t always need to be so serious, having entire conversations about the silliest things. I think it’s making me happier and filling my days with little bits of joy which has been really nice.

6.3 | wrapping it up

Well I guess this is not how I imagined ending my first year at Dartmouth but here we are. I have learned a lot through the first eight months at this school, not only about the portrayal of Native Americans in American literature and the inside of the earth but also about myself and the things that make me happy. I have learned how to be a little bolder and to stand up for things I love and care about and I have learned from and with other people in ways I never have. I am so excited to get back to Hanover someday, even if it isn’t as soon as I wish it could be. It’s been the craziest rollercoaster of a year but I am so happy for everything Dartmouth and its people have taught me. I am so lucky to have such an incredible place to call home.

5.21 | happiness

Sometimes the smallest things make me so happy. Most days I find happiness in the completion of things I have planned and the success in school work for the day. Other times, this happiness is harder to find. And sometimes still it is very prevalent, like a random facetime from a teammate or a nice walk on a cool evening. I am working to find the happiest little moments in every day and not to take them too much for granted. Finding little things in every day makes life as a whole just a little better.

5.9 | thinking

So, it turns out that a two and a half hour solo rollerski OD gives you some time to really wrestle with your own thoughts. Sometimes I like this. I like thinking about what I want to do and what goals I have and what the meaning of life is and all that. But sometimes it’s a lot. Sometimes being in your own head, listening to your own thoughts isn’t the best thing. It can make itself a little groove and the negative voice in your head can get louder and louder, telling you what you’re doing wrong and why you’re not good enough and sometimes that takes over a little too much. So here’s my goal: I want to work on getting that negative little voice out of its groove. Changing it into something positive and using it to make myself think about life a little bit differently and to spin all those negative passing thoughts into something productive and constructive rather than the negativity which constantly passes through my mind.

4.27 | challenges

Life is challenging, especially right now. The world is (for the most part) quarantined, school is entirely online, siblings are home, and it’s getting nicer and nicer outside. The last one isn’t really a challenge except for when you’re trapped in the house all day, looking longingly at the sunny and warm outdoors. In the grand scheme of things, this is just a weird and small blip on the timeline, something to remember and maybe look back on in many years. But for now, it is just an oddly challenging time for us all.

4.24 | the whirlwind of a dartmouth term

Dartmouth terms go fast. Nine weeks of fast-paced material all crammed into as many slide shows, lectures, zoom meetings (that’s a new one), and readings as possible. This poses a challenge to say the least. While there are often times when the Dartmouth term feels like it just might take over your life, there are times when the excitement of learning and the pace at which it can be done is rather exhilarating. I have found there are times when campus is utterly peaceful with the success of all those around you: after midterm weeks and big projects are due, after deadlines are met, and even when everyone is stressed out of their minds about upcoming finals, there is something within the rigor that ties us all together. And while I am still learning how to manage this all, Dartmouth has taught me not only two and a half terms worth of material (as of April 2020) but also the essential skills of balancing life, even at its craziest moments. So I suppose, in many ways, I am thankful for the Dartmouth term, despite the many challenges it brings along with it.